110.

If I’m gonna be alone, I’m gonna
sit down with a good book, and I’m gonna
give my empty mug another look, and
I’m gonna

fill some empty spaces with caffeine, so I
can forget to remember sadness
in feverish daydreams, and then
I can get bummed about productivity, so now
all the coffee does is make me jittery.

Well, come on in and
welcome to my mind.
A lot of doors are locked, and I
left the keys outside,
in the rain,
so will you go out there with me?

Will you go out with me?
I haven’t asked anyone this question
in a few years, at least.

If I’m gonna be alone, I’m gonna
sit down with a notebook, and I’m gonna
give the empty page another look, and
I’m gonna
fill some empty pages with my dreams, so I
can remember to forget sadness
in moving reality, and then
I can get jazzed about the future me, so now
all the thinking does is give me energy.

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109.

Hands of the gods,
dipped in fractious paints,
smearing and dabbing lands
in haste.
This realm is a project
that is ever under construction,
arts and crafts plied upon the stage
with little instruction.
A bird in flight, an author’s insight,
all dances that may soar right to the horizon.
Or plummet, to be dashed by velocity,
bloody atrocities dot the landscapes
like violent Pointillist musings.
It is soothing to connect the far-flung stars instead,
and make an image from nothing
to assuage cosmic dread.
These deific memories
sustain us to this day,
despite their realities being
light years gone and away.
A star I may be,
so I dip my hand in paints
to outline the sea.

108.

They’re stupid
sometimes,
the purchases I justify.
Been thinking about buying a new phone for a while now.
So I guess the purchase wouldn’t be stupid, it’s just
a long time comin’.
Thank the maker for
monthly payment plans,
’cause I can handle that slow burn
sorta deal.
Why do I need a new phone,
I half-jokingly ask myself.
The one I have now
has no fucking storage left,
and I realize I can upgrade these things,
and jump into the cloud with the rest of the tech-savvy folks,
but

wait a second, I’m not tech-savvy.

Whoops.

So I guess I’ll think not hard enough
about how nice it would be
to capture pictures and video and
still have memory left to download some games
and here I go,
I’m looking into my options.
Welcome to the 21st century, dude.

107.

Sometimes
it comes at night,
out of the dark
like a desperate light.
Fangs and claws are always implied,
but one never sees them glint –
they just hear it sigh.
These shadows are all
our monsters.
Waiting under the bed, or hiding
in the cupboard,
hoping that we venture
into the bathroom
where it will strike.
The eyelids trap it as well as anything,
so shut them tight
and breathe quiet
against the void.
When one is silent, they might hear
it speak for a moment.
“I am lonely,” it says, “and we
haven’t talked in a while.”
That ravenous brain, it moves your maw,
and at last it is time
to think in a pause.
No rushing, no delaying, just
sitting.
Breathing.
Thinking.
Being.
This pause be not the paws of a monster –
take the stillness of the dark
as a banner
and march into your future.

106.

This little hour is
a golden hour, my time to
relax before bed.

105.

I click the submit payment button once again,
and I
feel a surge of sweet relief.
I’m afraid that I
might be too inclined
to shop online.

I stop and reflect:
I’ve made at least one
internet purchase
each week for the last month.

We all cope in different ways, I suppose.

It’s not that I’m trying to defend myself.
I’m definitely a lucky bastard.
I still have money coming in, I
still am capable of paying my bills, I
don’t need to worry as much as a lot of other people.

So I buy too much fun stuff, and
I wonder if I’ve gone overboard.
I tell myself
I have to wait a long time to enjoy this stuff,
for safety’s sake, and
by the time it arrives,
in the best possible scenario,
all this quarantine business
might be over.

It might not be over then.

If it’s not, I’ll
keep on distancing, I’ll
keep on typing away, for work and for fun, I’ll
keep rolling dice and hoping for nat 20’s, I’ll
keep rearranging my furniture in Animal Crossing, I’ll
keep my hopes up,
’cause hope and each other are all that we’ve got,
and I can’t hug any other
aside from myself.

104.

Never have I ever
wanted to burst a man’s face upon a jagged rock
until today,
and I am still reeling a little
from my urge to destroy.
I took a two-hour map
(in the middle of my remote work day)
to decompress,
and I still want to press
this individual’s soul
against a blazing flame
until he feels the weight of his idiocy.
I am overly harsh, of course;
this man is not an idiot,
but he is unfeeling
in the sense that he wears his masculinity
like a shoddy suit of armor.
It is riddled with holes
and it does not serve any proper or pure purpose
other than to distract him from genuine emotions.
I am biased; I wear my heart on my sleeve most days.
I did not have a good day today.
I do not enjoy trying to make peace with someone who wishes to steamroll me.
I have no problem with masculine men,
if they choose to be that way.
When the need to be macho
and “not give a shit”
overrides any real conversation, however,
I don’t like it.
I don’t like how most men talk.
I don’t like how I’ve been talking, these days.
I need to remember calm.
I need to remember peace.
A gentle pool of water
that rises to meet the wind,
this,
this is what I want to be.

103.

In a place with too many trees,
where only the foolhardy dare to tread,
the night market sets its stall.
Just outside the deep dark wood
intrepid travelers pile their goods,
bits, baubles, coins of every kind,
villagers leave fish or shells soaked in brine,
anyone can write a phrase of their story
at the night market
as long as the sun guards the minutes of the day.
Come nightfall, the goods are gone,
and diverse sounds emanate from the stall.
Some say they hear whistling through the trees,
others whispers,
jaunty or menacing, respectively;
still others say it’s good-natured laughter,
and they do not fear their way.
Head back to the night market
twelve hours after you deposit your payment,
and receive an item in return.
Do not arrive early.
Do not approach if you spy a fellow customer.
Dare not take from the piles of day payments,
or come morning,
the night market will be streaked with blood
and the stall won’t produce goods
until the next full moon.
Fair work for
fair trade for
fair pay.
You get what you give to the night market,
and when you take what is not yours,
you are taken by the night
forevermore.

102.

Grumpy sort of day,
I put the Nintendo Switch away
so I could eat and relax.
I had to face some facts:
video games for hours on end
are not always enjoyable.
I became restless, I wanted to get up
and fill my belly
and do something aside from move the control stick around.
So I made food,
dunked tasty bread in artichoke dip,
and I refilled my water bottle.
These tiny acts
are enough to reset a perturbed mind.
I found some peace, once again,
and I focused more on what my mind was saying.
There is no need to rush around
and frustrate oneself in a video game,
especially
Animal Crossing,
which is designed to last for years.
If I play a life simulator
and I run around until I’m stressed out,
then what does that say about my real life?
Do I overwork myself?
Do I forget to take breaks?
Upon reflection, I find the answer
is yes.
So I choose now
to step away from stress
that I create and compound myself.
I want to listen to myself and my inner voice
so I take the day one step at a time,
and I move at a deliberate pace.
Peace is the place for me.

101.

It’s like I’m in school again,
but not really,
’cause I’m online like everyone else.
Though, when I think about the past fifteen years or so,
I can generalize and say
the best learning has been happening online anyway.
So, yeah, it’s like I’m in school again.
Film editing 101.
I keep saying film like this is some kind of artistic endeavor,
but it’s just some random rambling
playing at education
and hoping people enjoy it.
Video editing 101.
If I can pull this off in two hours,
I’ll be ready for work.
I mean, this is technically part of work – messing around with new software.
I can never tell how long people actually want me to stay in
this “learning” phase.
Do they want me to do it well?
Or just muddle through?
I’m a fan of DIY slogs, so I’m just gonna muddle through.
And hope for the best.
Always muddle, always try, always
hope.